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  <a href="/blog/blog/5983818/my-dance-with-breast-cancer">My Dance With Breast Cancer</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: large;"><strong>My Dance With Breast Cancer </strong></span></span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I got out of bed, just another normal morning and did the usual breast test which I have done every morning since I had a lump which turned out to be a cyst and about a year or two after that another lump which I waited for 6 weeks to get an appointment at the hospital. Then on the very morning of the appointment the lump had disappeared over night.  Ever since then I have made it a morning routine of checking my breasts.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">This morning I feel a lump that wasn’t there the day before. Maybe it is a swollen gland. I will give it a while to see if it goes down. I feel it there for the next three weeks thinking it may disappear like the previous one. But it doesn’t.  I guess I had better go and see the doctor just in case. She will probably tell me it is just a swollen gland.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I go to the doctor today and she examines me and says “yes I can feel a small lump there. I am surprised you didn’t come to see me before and not wait three weeks.” So I explain about the previous times and she says “So you were hoping it would disappear again like the last one?”  Yes I was. “Well I am going to contact the hospital and you should have an appointment from them in the next two weeks. If you don’t hear from them get in contact with me and I will chase them up.” I thought she would say it was a swollen gland. Still I expect she has to play on the safe side.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">It is a week since I saw the doctor. I have received a letter with an appointment for a mammogram and one to see a specialist afterwards. Oh, I suppose the one for the specialist is just in case it is some sort of lump and not a swollen gland.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I arrive at the hospital and have the mammogram not giving it too much thought. After all it is probably just a swollen gland and I won’t have to keep the appointment with the specialist. I wait outside after the mammogram for the results. Then I am called and they say they want to do an ultra sound. Oh, okay I had an ultrasound before and it turned out to be a cyst. They just put a needle in and drew off the fluid and hey presto the lump was gone. It is probably the same this time. Yeah, sure it is.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I heard them say, “We need to do an ultrasound as the mammogram wasn’t very clear.” Okay, fine. When I had a ultrasound done before they just ran the machine over my breast.  Now the doctor is starting to bring in below the breast, down the side of my arm, down around my back. Bloody hell what is going on? Do they think this is a cancer and that it is a secondary cancer and they are looking for where it is coming from?  No, I am just being silly it is nothing.  “ Well it seems as if the mammogram didn’t pick it up but the ultrasound is definitely picking up a lump, we will need to do a biopsy.”  Oh shit, still it doesn’t have to be anything. Although all along deep down I have felt that this lump felt different from the other two.  The doctor says “I have to warn you that there is a slight chance whether we go in from the bottom or the top, of puncturing the lung. It has never happened yet but I do have to warn you that there is that slight chance. So if you feel your breathing change and getting worse let us know straight away.” Bloody hell, that sounds great. Thanks a lot.  I ask if as they have to wait for the results of the biopsy does that mean I don’t have to keep the appointment with the specialist?  “Oh no, you still need to keep that appointment as he will explain what we have found so far.  You must keep the wound covered for 48 hours and wear a good supporting bra for the next 48 hours non- stop.”   Okay, it is probably just some sort of a lump but nothing else. Surely it can’t be anything serious.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I am now in with the specialist. “Well looking through the papers we are a little confused. We discussed your case over lunch today.”  Oh that’s nice, what the hell does that mean, discussed it over lunch?  “Nothing showed up on the mammogram but they put a warning on it. We have decided that in our opinion it is cancer. However the biopsy has the final word.  I am sorry it is bad news.  However the good news is that we have caught it early.”  My husband asks the specialist, (I think as a way of trying not to believe what he had just heard) “are you sure it isn’t a cyst”?</span></span></p>
<p> </p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Jesus I have to wait a week now to have the final result.  Do I tell my in-laws? No I won’t say anything  – my mother in law has had two strokes and it wouldn’t do her any good. I say to my husband “I don’t think I had better say anything to your mum and dad until we get the results of the biopsy” he agrees. Then later he says “I think they would be annoyed if we didn’t tell them”.  Shit, how do you tell someone that you have just been told you may have breast cancer?  Whatever way I tell them it is going to be a shock. I am still in shock myself. I just can’t believe it.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">What about my daughter? God do I tell her she is so far away living in Korea? I don’t know what to do for the best.  After thinking about it for awhile I have decided not to tell her at least not until I know the results of the biopsy.  No need to worry her when I may be given the all clear. Yeah, I will wait until then and then I don’t have to say anything.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">We call in to see my in laws to tell them. God how do you start to tell someone that you have cancer?  Mum keeps flapping around doing things and my husband says to her, “when are you going to sit down?   Daphne has something serious to speak to you about”.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“I have been to the hospital today and they said that they think I have breast cancer but the final word rests with the biopsy which I have to wait for the results”. They are shocked.  Then they start saying “you will be alright, you caught it early etc”.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">None of my friends can believe it. They all say they are sure it will be alright and expect I will get the all clear. Anyway just because it is cancer it doesn’t mean that it is malignant.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #ff00ff;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #000000;">The hospital phoned me this morning with an appointment to go and get the results of the biopsy. <span style="color: #000000;"> </span></span><span style="color: #000000;">I don’t think it can be good news, I don’t think hospitals usually phone you with an appointment. They usually put it in the post to you. Maybe I am wrong as I  haven’t had much contact with hospitals for quite a while.  Maybe this is the norm nowadays, I don’t know. Anyway I have got an appointment to get the results.  It is that word cancer it swirls around in my head. I try to stay positive and hope that I will get the all clear. I am feeling so cold, like ice running through my veins. I think I will have a bath to warm me up. Oh hell I can’t, I can’t take the bra off, have to wear it non- stop for 48 hours. So I decided to fill a hot water bottle and go to bed and try to warm myself </span><span style="color: #000000;">up.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">My friend who is a homeopath is sending me a remedy to help me and to help remove the shock from my system. My sister phones and says she is ordering me some Essiac tea. So those are on the way to help me. Also several friends have asked if they can send me absent healing. Anyway everyone is being very good to me and I am being sent lots of healing from everywhere.  I have even sent lotus petals from a powerful ceremony in an ashram in India from one of my soul group. </span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I am being offered lots of support, love and healing from everyone. It is really very touching.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Now my family are trying to do everything for me.  For Gods’ sake I haven’t become useless over night. I am just as capable of doing things as I was before this happened.  For Gods’ sake would they just let me get on and do things? Ok when I come out of hospital then I will need help but not now, it just annoys me now.  I feel worse when they do that.  Yeah, I know they are just trying to help and they probably feel useless as there is nothing they can do to take it away. They care for me and they just want to fix it. However they can’t and doing everything for me just isn’t helping my emotions.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I try and keep my mind busy during the day. Sometimes it hits me, shit breast cancer. What do I think?  It must be or they wouldn’t have said that, they wouldn’t say it and worry me without being pretty sure. Yeah but they have to wait for the result of the biopsy. Had a few tears. What if I don’t make it?  What if it is cancer and it has spread?  Now stop thinking like that, I know all this body mind stuff, I teach it all the time, so I know what to do. A few of my friends say Louise Hay cured herself of cancer so you can do it. Yeah I know, of course I can.  Strange that I should have met her last September!</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">What have I missed in the work I have done on myself to create this?  I look it up in Louise’s book. Cancer is resentment but breast cancer is about nurturing. Nurturing others more than yourself. I have changed a hell of a lot over the years but obviously I need to do more work and change more. This has happened for a reason and there is a bigger picture to it all that I can’t see yet. I have over the years done the releasing anger and resentment, there could obviously be more there than I haven’t hit upon yet.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Today is the day and I am hoping for the best to get the all clear. “ Your results of the biopsy are back and did the specialist explain to you last week what he thought of it?”</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“Yes: I reply. “What did he tell you? “</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“That he thought it was cancer”.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“ Well  yes,  as we thought that is the result of the biopsy.”</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“So what are you saying?  It is cancer?”</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“Yes” we are sorry.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“Fuck, fuck, I wasn’t expecting this.  One part was and another part wasn’t. I wanted to believe I would get the all clear. So what happens now”?</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“Well I will make an appointment for you to come in to have an operation to remove the lump. We can’t say if it has spread until we operate. However at the same time we will remove a few lymph nodes from under your arm to test to see if it has spread. If  they are not affected great, if they are then we will have you back in straight away and remove all the lymph nodes as a precaution so it doesn’t go any further.  Either way you will probably need a course of radiotherapy on the breast just to make sure that all the affected cells are killed. If we find it has spread you will probably need chemo.”</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Oh that fucking word, chemo. I hate the fucking thing. It ruins the organs in your body. No fucking way am I having chemo. I know that is just my opinion of chemo, my family think differently about it.  I would rather take my chances. Then he made the appointment for me to go in for the operation on April 6<sup>th</sup>.  Then I was sent to see the cancer nurse who talked me through the whole thing again. She gave me her mobile number in case I wanted to talk to her at any time and had any questions that came up later.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">All the possible scenarios keep going through my head.  What if, what if and what if.  The good news is they have caught it early, yeah but what if they haven’t? What if I was right when they did the ultrasound and they think this is a secondary cancer and they were searching for where it originated? What do I tell my daughter, should I tell her? Hell she is so far away I don’t want her to be worried.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">My God such a feeling of fear came over me today. Not of the cancer but what if I don’t survive the operation. I can’t believe I am feeling such fear about coming through the operation. Why am I feeling this fear?  I have never had any fear about operations before. Mind you, I will be 61 this year and I have only ever had 2 operations. I have only been in hospital three times. Once when I was 12 when I nearly died and I was in there for a month or two. Then to have a cyst removed from above my eye when I was 13. The other time was when my daughter was born.  Why am I feeling this terrible fear?</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">My family and friends are all being very kind and supportive and have been right from the start of this. However today it just got to me. I know they are just trying to put my mind at rest, but this constant saying “you will be alright, you will be alright”. It is just getting on my fucking nerves now. I told my husband that I don’t want to talk about it anymore today.  How the fuck can people say I will be alright, they don’t know, they don’t have any guarantees.  They haven’t got a fucking clue. So would they just shut up.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I have decided to do a Byron Katie on it  (for those who don’t know who Byron Katie is I suggest you google her and find out about her) and I am just looking at the facts. The facts are that I have breast cancer, they are going to operate and can’t say exactly what is what until they operate. It might have spread, it might not. When the operation is over they can say what treatment I will need. So there are the facts.  Why build a story around it all? Building a story around it all just causes stress and tension and fear.  So I am just going to go with the facts. That’s it.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I still don’t know what to do about my daughter. Should I tell her or not?  I will think about it over the next few days and decide. I think she would probably want to know and yet because she is so far away I don’t want to upset her.  Well I am off to Liverpool to stay with a friend and do the Moonstone Festival and run an Inner Child Workshop so I will think about it then.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">This fear of not coming through the operation keeps coming back and taking me over from time to time.  God, I know it is only a million in one chance that I would died during the operation but if that happened my daughter would never forgive everyone for not telling her.  That wouldn’t be fair on her <span style="color: #000000;">I will have to tell her, though I dread having to tell her. She has a right to know.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Had a lovely time up in Liverpool with my friend and she gave me a lovely long treatment.  It was nice to just get away for a few days and almost completely forget about it all. Now I am back I have to decide when and how to tell my daughter. I decide to send her a message asking her to arrange a time that we can talk. When I told her she went into shock which was only natural. I felt so bad having to tell her this news. I try to reassure her and tell her that they said they had caught it early.  The poor girl is in a state. Later she sends me an e-mail asking me to send her all the details and exactly what they had said.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Get a message back from her today saying she felt a little better about it all after reading my e-mail. Thank God for that. I just want to put my arms around her to comfort her. She is so far away from home.  Now I have become aware that the fear I had about not coming through the operation has disappeared since I told her. I realise now it was all about letting her know just in case I didn’t pull through. It wasn’t about me pulling through the operation at all but how it would affect her if she hadn’t been told.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">My husband has good days and bad days but today I just told him I am sorry but I just can’t console him. I am using all my strength to deal with my own emotions at the moment. I haven’t got the strength to support anyone else just now. He said he understood and didn’t expect it from me. He wanted to support me as best he could.  I know he is having a hard time coming to terms with it as well. I know how I felt when I heard the news about my  father, my mother, my brother and various friends.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">People keep saying “stay positive, stay positive”. The one thing I have learnt over the years is that we need to work through our negative emotions before we can move on to be and stay positive. This was really put across to me when the film The Secret came out. There were people seeing this film for the first time and it was a completely new concept to them and they actually thought from watching the film that no matter what happened to them they had to stay positive. I had people coming to me who were suddenly suffering from depression and others having panic attacks. This was all because they were suppressing their negative emotions and trying to stay positive.  Bloody hell, how can someone be positive when they have just been told that they have cancer?</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Today I went for my pre- op. More forms to fill in and then wait to see someone. Called in and had history taken. Had blood pressure on right arm and then on left arm.  Then had pressure in ear taken. Then blow into a container to test my lung capacity. Weighed, height taken, and then for MRSA a swab first in my mouth, then up my nose and then in the groin. Bloody hell, I didn’t think that would be done. Shows how little I know about hospitals these days.  Then was asked if I snored. “Yes” I reply honestly.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“How bad?”</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“Very bad” I answer even more honestly.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“How bad is very bad?”</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“Well let me put it this way, when I sleep with friends they get up and go into another room”.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“Oh that isn’t very nice”.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I think to myself, “yeah it is alright for you to say that but you haven’t slept with me!”</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Then back to the waiting room until I get called and have a blood test done and an ECG. More waiting until I see the doctor. History taking again and lots of questions etc then checked over and finally listened to my chest while I breathe deeply. Then I can go home, yeah.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">A friend phoned me while I was still in bed having a lay in. My voice was quite hoarse and she thought it was my husband who had answered.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I joke, “now it is a breast operation I am going in for not a bloody sex change”. Today hasn’t been so bad emotionally.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Spoke to a friend today who is recovering from cancer and she said that having cancer is a lonely place to be.  She understood that sometimes you just want to tell everyone to sod off and leave you alone. Her words were to ‘shut yourself away on a desert island’. No one really knows what you are feeling.  I realise I was experiencing one side of my emotions when my father, mother, brother and several friends had been told that they had cancer. Now I am on the other side of the emotions and experiencing it from that point. Yes, a big bloody difference.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #ff00ff;"><span style="font-size: small;"><a href="http://www.moretolifemag.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/DAPHNE-WHITEHOUSE-1.jpg"><img src="http://www.moretolifemag.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/DAPHNE-WHITEHOUSE-1.jpg" class="size_orig justify_inline border_" alt="" height="188" width="240" /></a><a href="http://www.moretolifemag.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/DAPHNE-WHITEHOUSE-21.jpg"><img src="http://www.moretolifemag.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2010/07/DAPHNE-WHITEHOUSE-21-299x215.jpg" class="size_orig justify_inline border_" alt="" height="186" width="269" /></a></span></span></p>
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<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">My emotions have been all over the place today. Started off the day well and then saw a programme on television about cancer. One man was talking about his wife who had breast cancer and she was giving the all clear and then two years later she died. It had been in her spine and they didn’t know about it. That really set me off and I had a good cry on and off for the rest of the day.  So much for me thinking I had come to a place of acceptance. That’s a laugh. Calling this journal my dance with breast cancer sounds about right. I didn’t want to call it my fight with breast cancer as there is enough fighting going on in the world without me adding to it. Dance is about right thought, some days it is a waltz, others a fox trot, others a quick step and then other days the tango. More like a bloody tangle of emotions.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Received a package from a friend today with some of her home made chocolate truffles.  Ahhhh they are delicious. Just what I needed some comfort food.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">A friend came over to see me today and she gave me healing and some other therapy. Unlike me, I didn’t really drift off during either of them. Although I am not consciously thinking about the situation it is obviously playing on the sub-conscious mind stopping me from relaxing fully. Another friend called in and offered to take me tomorrow to see Steven Turoff the psychic surgeon. One part of me would like to go and the other part of me just feels so exhausted I can’t be bothered. So I have decided not to go. Whether it is the right decision or not I don’t know but it feels like the right decision at this moment in time. Received a package today from another friend with some remedies and some Cd’s with music that I like, a crystal and a nice card with one of her special affirmations. That was nice. Friends are being so nice sending me cards, crystals, cd’s and remedies.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">The day for the op is getting closer. In one way I feel that is good as it is the next step. Then another part of me thinks “Oh God I then have to wait for the results from the tests on the lymph nodes.  What if they are infected and the cancer has spread?”</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I arrive for the operation on Tuesday morning at 7.00a.m.  Mr Frecker the surgeon came to see me with some students. He explained to them that I had found the lump and that this was a case where the mammogram had not picked up the lump but that there was something there and so they did an ultrasound.  They said they wanted me down in theatre by 9.45am.  So when I got down there I thought “well this is it”. However they got me on a very narrow bed underneath a very large camera and took pictures of my breast from above and then with my arm outstretched from the side after injecting in a dye which seemingly highlights the area where the cancer is.  It took about 20 minutes. I had a quick glance at the screen which was over at the side and I saw two blue blobs. I thought maybe one is the nipple and the other one the cancer.  I thought I was then going for the op but they sent me back to the ward and I had to wait for another hour.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Went down to the theatre and they said they were putting the needle in the front of my hand that it would hurt a little.  I thought this is a real letting go. I am having to completely trust these people who are complete strangers to me with my life. I thought what it must feel like for people who are giving the lethal injection. Well the needle did hurt a little but the vein wouldn’t take it, so then they said they would have to put it in my arm and that would hurt even more. It did and then that didn’t take either. So they tried another place in my arm and then I think they tried another and finally they found a vein that was suitable. “You will feel a sensation in your arm and then a nasty taste at the back of your throat and then you will drift off into a nice sleep.”</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">The next thing I knew was hearing a voice saying “Daphne the operation is over.” I gradually came back into the recovery room and then a nurse came down for me. She said “I must apologise to you as I came down earlier to get you and I really frightened you, you really jumped.” I certainly didn’t remember it.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Bloody hell my arm is painful.  Oh shit, it is so painful to try and position myself in the bed and of course no one can help as they can’t touch the right hand side. The breast doesn’t feel painful it is the arm where they took the lymph nodes from that is causing all the pain.  I have a saline drip in my other arm and a tube for oxygen in my nose. They are taking my blood pressure on a regular basis.  Just been to the loo and my wee is a bright blue. They said that would happen because of the dye they injected into me beforehand and they also injected more dye in while I was having the operation to show up the lymph nodes.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Didn’t sleep very well as had to sit up and whenever I got out of bed to go to the toilet it was really painful trying to get settled in bed again.  I had taken the pain killers at tea time but I didn’t take the ones they offered me in the evening and maybe I should have done. When the nurse came round with the tablets this morning she said I should take them anyway as I will benefit from them as I will have to do exercises to help prevent frozen shoulder and the exercises may make the pain worse.  So, best to take the painkillers to avoid the pain altogether. Later the nurse came to bathe the wound and dress it. Bloody hell it looks a long scar I didn’t expect it to be that long.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“Surely a small lump doesn’t warrant such a long scar?” I ask her.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">The nurse replies “Oh no, that is a thread”</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“Oh thank God for that. Looks like I also have a nice blue and yellow breast”.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Had a visit from the physiotherapist who explained to me the exercises I need to do to get my arm going again and to prevent frozen shoulder.  She also gave me a leaflet to read with diagrams of the exercises. Then I was told I could go home later today but I would need to see the breast care nurse before I went. She arranged for me to come back on Monday to have the wound inspected and an appointment made for me to get the results from the lymph nodes. Then it will be decided for definite what treatment I will need.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Nice to be home again although seems strange to me as I feel restricted in movement. Lots of good wishes from family and friends and people all sending healing etc.  My mother in law said she will cook a dinner each evening for me which is very nice of her.  So we went up there tonight and then came back home. I went to bed about 8.00p.m. Just felt very tired.  When I scratch lightly above the wound it echoes like it is hollow. So funny.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I am glad the operation is over. This morning I have different feeling and emotions. It is just hitting me now that I just can’t believe I am going through this. I can’t believe this is happening to me. It is just disbelief really. Funny, thinking about it I would of thought that these feelings would have come about at the beginning more so then now. Obviously this is how it is for me and all the various feelings are probably different for each individual person that goes through this experience. Though when I think about it now is probably the time, as before I was in shock.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Back to the hospital today to have the dressing removed from the wound. That nurse who said that it was just a thread was completely wrong.  It is a scar. Bloody hell I didn’t think it would be that long. It looks like it is going from one side of my breast to the other.  Why did they have to make it so long for a little lump? Or maybe those blue blobs I saw on the screen were both lumps.  Did they find more in there than was thought at first?  Have also being given an appointment for the 21<sup>st</sup> to get the results of the lymph nodes. It is all this waiting and not knowing that is frustrating.  Also I find it very frustrating not being able to do a lot and having to rely on others to do things for me.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I woke up this morning with a very strong feeling that alright some women will read this journal and start to check themselves on a regular basis. Then there will be others, especially younger women who may let it go over their head.  Very important that I must take pictures of the breast and the condition it looks in now, as for some women seeing the results will be enough to make them check themselves.  What? Bloody hell I don’t want my boob on show for all and sundry to see. The more I thought about it the more I thought well if it helps one person then it is worth it.  I took a few pictures myself which it was very hard to do with one hand. So when a friend came around today to give me healing I asked her to take some photos for me. It is not the sort of thing I would normally do – expose my boob to the world, however it is in a very good cause and it is a very important cause, so I am doing it.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">At the moment looking at my boobs is like looking at a white person standing beside a sunburnt Asian.  Actually a sunburnt Asian who has being in a fight. All the yellow has gone and it has turned a dark brown. I am doing the exercises each day and my arm has got quite a bit more movement in it, although it is still sore. Now I have more movement I can see that where I thought the pain was coming from under the arm where they took the lymph nodes from it isn’t there at all. At the end of the scar across the breast is where the muscle comes down from the arm and it feels like the muscle has been cut.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Well today is the day I get the results. Hell! Two of the doctors are stranded abroad because of the volcano incident so they are running over forty minutes late. It feels like you are just at the finishing line and then find out you have another mile to run. In the end they are over an hour late. Got called in and told that the cancer hasn’t spread. Thank God. However I will have to have radiotherapy and maybe hormone treatment. He also confirmed what I had thought that there were two lumps. Then I was examined and had to have blood drained from the wound. The doctor said that it would be much more comfortable for me once he drained the blood off. Well it certainly is. I didn’t realise that that the pressure was building up and pressing on the end of the scar which is where all the pain was coming from. My arm has so much more movement now. Fantastic.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">When we came out my husband said “I am over the moon, that is just fantastic news. I am surprised that you are not excited”.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I reply “you know what,  I am just too tired to feel excited. It is as if all the tension and anxiety building up to this has just hit into my body now and I just feel so exhausted”.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">A friend gave me a session of Theta over the telephone this morning and later on in the day another friend called to see me and she gave me some healing. Felt tired later. Essiac Tea, Homopathic remedies, Flower remedies, vibrational remedies, healing, theta, reflexology, one blessing and lots of absent healing apart from my meditation, visualization and affirmations. I don’t feel I can take on any more at the moment. That’s besides up and down the hospital. You get my drift. Don’t get me wrong I do appreciate it all and am grateful for it all. In fact I am having so much healing that at the end of it all I might have a few spare boobs!!!</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #ff00ff;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #000000;">It was great news yesterday and what a relief to know that it hasn’t spread. However today I have just felt exhausted. Went to bed during the day and slept for a few hours. The hospital phoned with the next appointment in a </span><span style="color: #000000;">weeks time to see the oncologist to discuss the treatment I am going to have.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I have noticed since I was told about the cancer that as a passenger in a car I am getting really jumpy.  Just can’t seem to help it.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">It is six days now since I was last at the hospital. This morning I phoned the nurse to say my breast has swollen and I think it needs to be drained again. She said to call in and see her tomorrow after seeing the oncologist.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I saw the oncologist’s assistant about the radiotherapy treatment. He said they would start in about two weeks but that was before I told him I had to have the breast drained after seeing him. Said they could give me hormone treatment as well as radiotherapy but that goes on for five years and for the extra benefit I would get from it they don’t think it is worth putting me through that. It would only add about another 2% to the chances of it not coming back again.  The radiotherapy will give an 84% chance. The side effects are fatigue, the breast may swell and get very red, the radiation can affect the top part of the lungs so may affect breathing. The breast will probably change in size and will not go back to its normal shape. As my brother would say – would you rather have all that or be dead?  Puts it in perspective doesn’t it. It is so true thought isn’t it? Makes it seem very simple.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Don’t know about him saying that the boob might get bigger or smaller. Looking in the mirror now it is already got smaller. One seems to be heading south while the other appears to be heading north.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">So then to the nurse to have my breast drained.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“Well that was the hoped for ending but didn’t turn out that way”</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“Hell” the nurse took one look at it and said “I will have to call the man himself”  – meaning Mr Frecker the surgeon.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">So he came in and said “you have had a haemorrhage in the breast. I will have to cut it open and get all the blood out”.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Seemingly  if it happens it is just shortly after surgery but this is a delayed one. So as it was unusual he called for certain people to come and look and watch as to what he was doing. One of the nurses said to me, “you must have been in a lot of pain?”</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I said “no,  I didn’t have any pain just a little soreness”.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">She kept saying she could not understand why I didn’t have any pain.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">He took the scalpel and said “now watch this, if you are opening a fresh wound this is the way to do it so it doesn’t hurt the patient. “That didn’t hurt did it? “</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">“No”.  After a while though as he cut more I did start to feel it. It wasn’t too bad thought as it just felt like if you cut yourself with a razor blade.   Not that I go around cutting myself with razor blades but I have done it a few times by accident. Then the blood poured out and as I was lying down it ran down my neck and back. They got me to sit up and cleaned me up and had to do it four times before it was completely finished. Once all the blood was out they then squirted saline into it to wash it out a couple of times. So have to phone the nurse this morning and according to what she thinks as I describe it to her I will have to go back to the hospital either today or tomorrow. What a drag.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">The nurse said to go up to the hospital to see her this morning which I did. She said it was draining nicely and changed the dressing and gave me some dressings for me to do it myself each day until I go back to see her next Wednesday morning.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">A lot of blood seemed to come out of the wound during the night. Maybe I am lying on it during the night and squeezing it. I think it might be best if I try going to sleep sitting up in bed again like I did when I came home after the operation.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Have tried sleeping sitting up now for a few nights but it is still bleeding a lot and I am not getting a very good sleep at night. Never mind, I am going back to the hospital tomorrow so will see what the nurse has to say. The wound looks like part of the inside is coming out at the moment.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Saw the nurse this morning and she said she needed to use a caustic stick to put on the wound so it will stop it from protruding. Otherwise it will heal like that and will look peculiar. I told her about sleeping sitting up and she said it didn’t matter if I rolled on it during the night. If I squashed it, it would be alright as it would probably help it to clear out quicker. She changed the dressing for me and gave me more dressings to take home so I can do it myself each day. Have to go back to see her on Monday morning.  It feels like it is becoming my second home. I wonder should I ask if they do bed and breakfast!!!!!! I can drive again horray! It feels like I have got my freedom back.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #ff00ff;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #000000;">I keep asking why did this happen to me? This morning I woke up and it all seemed very clear to me. All these years I have been looking after the mind and spirit and apart from doing the emotional work on the body, I have been ignoring the body. What I mean by that is I have still being eating juke food from time to time. Pushed my body and not given it enough rest.  There have been times when I have had too much alcohol.  If the mind, body and spirit are not in balance then something is bound to give sooner or later and breast cancer is my sooner or later. So now I am being put in a position to learn all of this and have no option but to rest and learn to know when I feel tired and to do something about it; to take care of the body as well.</span><br> </span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">I laughed this morning at how the Universe tests us. The last two articles I  have written for More to Life were about control and fear. It is as if the universe has now said, “right let us test you on how good you are at putting these into practice”. My getting jumpy as a passenger in a car has made me realise that it was a unconscious response to having no control over this situation. I can do certain things but all the medical treatment, when, where and how are all out of my control.  Fear of course was the one that came to the forefront with the words “you have breast cancer”.  Then I have also had to let go of any control to do with my work. I just had to let go and go with the flow as it were.  I feel as if this might be a turning point in my career, some change coming up, but how it will change I don’t know. Will just have to wait and see. Well you never know my new career might be Boob Flasher. I could design a special uniform to wear. I will have to sleep on it!!!!!</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #ff00ff;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #000000;">Have been up the hospital once a week for the nurse to see how my breast is coming along. The wound is slowly healing but not quite closed up yet. Have received an appointment for Barts for the X-rays and tattoos</span>.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Yeah the scar is just about closed up now, thank God. I have decided to go ahead this weekend and do the 3 day advanced Theta course. I didn’t know if I would be up to it but as I haven’t even started treatment yet and bored of not been able to do a lot. I though it would do me good to do something interesting. It has been arranged for me to stay in the area so I don’t have to travel back and forth each day.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #ff00ff;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: #000000;">Today I went to Barts and they asked me a lot of questions again. I was asked to hold a big board with my hospital number on it in front of me while they took a photograph of me. I said I felt like a prisoner. I was told it was for their records to they could make sure they had the right patient each time. I suppose as they are doing radiotherapy they have to be very careful. Then I had lines drawn all over my breast and had lots of X-rays taking. Then they asked if I had ever had any tattoos and I said no. So they said that it would only feel like a needle prick. The two tattoos would be very </span><span style="color: #000000;">small and would be permanent. I said that my daughter had said that as today was Buddhas’ birthday  could they give me Buddha tattoo? She just smiles -  I didn’t get them – Just two little dots instead. Then I was taking into another room to have CT scans. They said I would hear from them within two to three weeks with the dates to start my treatment which would be 5 days a week for 3 weeks. Yeah I just feel I now have to put my life on hold again for another about 6 weeks. Frustrating. Still I ask myself would I rather put my life on hold for 6 weeks or be dead. I am sure you know what answer I came up with!!!!!!</span><br> </span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">Have finally got a date to start my radiotherapy. Thank God for that, at least I now can get on and get my life back again.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;"> A few people have said that on a spiritual level I am going through this for all women. I tell them “well the next time I come back to this planet, I am going to make sure to read the small print in the contract”.</span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #ff00ff;"><span style="font-size: small;"> <span style="color: #000000;">I have written this and showing the photographs because I want all women to know how important it is to check themselves regularly. I have gone through what I have gone through and I check myself daily. There are a lot of women who have gone through a lot worse than I have and then there are those who unfortunately have not survived.  I can not believe how many women do not even check themselves. So <strong>please please</strong> every woman who reads this make sure to check yourself on a regular basis and impress it on all the women you know. Thank you.</span></span></span></p>
<p><span style="color: #000000;"><span style="font-size: small;">To be continued...<br></span></span></p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2010-11-03T12:00:00-12:00" title="November 03, 2010 12:00">11/03/2010</span></p>

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  <a href="/blog/blog/5983817/break-free-by-cat-whitehouse">Break Free by Cat Whitehouse</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p>Break Free</p>
<p>Tired of running in circles - it's time to break free. <br> <br> Why is it we often make the same mistake over and over, each time vowing to ourselves that it won't happen again? Isn't it because it's actually easier for us to follow this same familiar path (however unproductive or destructive it may be) than to put in the effort to break those habits and change? <br> <br> Though we may hate to admit it, it is usually simply a matter of our own laziness and lack of determination which sees us running in circles for most of our lives. When we live like this, I've always felt our lives become so small, so closed off from anything new, anything... better. We become a smaller version of ourselves, we lose our potential... possibilities narrowed because we do not make the effort to break free from these habits, to learn from these mistakes and grow and make our worlds a little bigger each time in doing so. Instead we choose to live in a fishbowl, trapped inside the little comfortable routines we've made for ourselves, looking through the glass at the wider world and everything we could be and yet resigning ourselves to our current lot. <br> <br> It's not always easy - sometimes I'm tired, I'm depressed, I can't see where my life is going... but often as not, these are just excuses I make to myself when I'm feeling too lazy, when I simply can't be bothered, to do what I should be doing. We are all, each and every one of us, making excuses to ourselves such as these... justifying our lives spent in the fishbowl. <br> <br> But because I want more than that, I deserve more than that, am capable of more than that (and aren't we all?), I will strive to break free from these habits. If I make a mistake, I will learn from it and move on - I won't continue making the same mistake 100 times over, banging my head against a brick wall. If I can see that a habit, or some other aspect of my life, needs to change - I will change it. No excuses. Even if it involves forcing myself in the beginning (and it usually does), I will soldier on, knowing that in time things will get easier. An old habit replaced by a new one. One that I consciously chose and control, rather than my habits controlling me. It may be a two-step-forward, one-step-back process - I'm not saying I'll get it right straight off the bat. And I'm not saying I will punish myself, beat myself up over it if I don't. I know I'll slip up. I'll struggle. I'll falter. That's an inevitable part of being human. When that happens, I'll have enough self-love and self-discipline to get back up and carry on... for though I am human, I am not "only". I hate when people give the excuse - "I'm only human." Another justification for their life in the fishbowl, for the choices they make but are too ashamed to admit responsibility for. Yes, you are human, but "only"? Why not be a magnificent, beautiful, exceptional example of humanity? <br> <br> It'll be a learning curve, and each step of the way there will be new mistakes to be made and lessons to be learned. Envisage it like this: the fishbowl is the center of a spiral. Whenever I break my bad habits, learn from my mistakes, strive to do my best... I start to spiral outwards, my world getting bigger and bigger. In each layer of the spiral, new mistakes will be made and as I learn from each one, I continue spiralling outwards, expanding my life. This is a never-ending process - if anything, the bigger the spiral, the more mistakes I'll make, the more I'll learn... <br> <br> "Making mistakes simply means you are learning faster" <br> Weston H. Agor <br> <br> "The man who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything" <br> William Connor Magee <br> <br> I will look within (and above) to find the courage, determination and will-power I need... <br> <br> I'm not saying this is the right way to live for everyone. I can only speak for myself. But this is my philosophy, how I choose to view and live my life, what I believe is best for me. <br> <br> Besides, whoever heard of a Cat living in a fishbowl anyway???! ;)</p>
<p>©Cat Whitehouse 2010</p></div>
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  <a href="/blog/blog/5983816/masterpiece-by-cat-whitehouse">Masterpiece by Cat Whitehouse</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p><span style="font-size: small;">Think of all those yesterdays when life was just a mystery,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">couldn't figure out the puzzle pieces of my history.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">A quarter century of sweat and tears went into making me,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">I bear too many battle scars to ever bother faking me.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Every book I read, Every heart I broke,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Every tear I shed, Every word I spoke,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">was another stroke, of genius.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">A masterpiece. My life's my masterpiece.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"><br><br> Awaking every day, that is the first and foremost pleasure,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">The bitter and the sweet, appreciate in equal measure.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Happiness and sorrow, uninvited like the tides,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">wash over us so suddenly, then leave without goodbyes.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Every book I read, Every heart I broke,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Every tear I shed, Every word I spoke,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">was another stroke, of genius.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">A masterpiece. My life's my masterpiece.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"><br><br> The days I spent swaddled in apathy,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">The nights alone, curled up in misery,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Sleepwalking through life's charm,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Hit ten times the snooze alarm.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">That's all a distant memory,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">but nonetheless a part of me...a part of me...  a part of me...</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"><br><br> With or without me, the moon shines tonight,</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">a gentle reminder to live as the light.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: x-small;"><strong><em>©Cat Whitehouse April 2010</em></strong></span></p></div>
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    <p class="post-info"><span data-time="2010-04-27T02:47:22-12:00" title="April 27, 2010 02:47">04/27/2010</span></p>

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<h2 class="heading-secondary heading-blog alt-font">
  <a href="/blog/blog/5983815/world-peace">World Peace</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p><span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: x-small; color: #000000;"> <span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; color: #000000;">WORLD PEACE TONING AND  CHANTING: A SONIC  MEDITATION FOR PEACE ON  EARTH </span></span></p>
<p><span style="font-family: Verdana,Geneva,Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif; font-size: x-small; color: #000000;"><span style="font-family: Verdana; font-size: x-small; font-style: normal; font-weight: bold; color: #000000;">Join thousands  throughout the  planet for the 8th Annual WORLD  SOUND HEALING DAY on Sunday,  February 14, 2010.  At 12 noon  Eastern Standard Time (EST--New  York  Time), sound forth for 5  minutes with the "AH",  created and  projected with the energy of  compassion and love,  sending a  sonic valentine to Gaia, our Mother  Earth.  At that  time, please go to <a title="This external link will open in a new window" href="http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?et=1102969479646&amp;s=15984&amp;e=001WF2ZM_KHUy-u_64TrSN9mX33aIpphOAVzcfGifk0tK7o58VnEuPwNM13W2c7BWaLWq7sdcz_uKUC_SScp23nRQvC7D3gX0hI346pLidXlwyjanlkcvDfcAQ__-SmpYqc" target="_blank"> <strong>templeofsacredsound.org</strong> </a> to enhance the vibratory effect as  we sound together for planetary  peace and harmony.   Please visit this link: <a title="This external link will open in a new window" href="http://rs6.net/tn.jsp?et=1102969479646&amp;s=15984&amp;e=001WF2ZM_KHUy8SVt9LLZyDqQsTDwUzgkRGiv7_2tPit4teiR3yi7V6Kf36oSFp272kj5S9tnAlfBsfYcqB-pNGl0t_upqHIVLYpgI8B5RgXaAt6643PvROzsVg0r3U5G1Wqmyb3KPMv4o=" target="_blank"><strong>healingsounds.com</strong></a><strong> for more information. </strong></span></span></p></div>
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<h2 class="heading-secondary heading-blog alt-font">
  <a href="/blog/blog/5983814/human-love-divine-love">Human Love, Divine Love</a>&nbsp;
</h2>

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  <div class="message"><p><strong><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: x-large;"> </span></strong></p>
<p><strong><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></strong></p>
<p><strong><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"><br></span></strong></p>
<p><strong><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></strong></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"><strong>by Hilda Charlton<br> Based on a speech she gave<br>at the Cathedral of St. John the Divine           in New York City</strong></span></p>
<p><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Do not ever lose the feeling that you are important in the           scheme of life. Have you ever lost that feeling? Of course you have! You began           to think you were nothing. I don't know what God bothered to make you for then,           to make the image that is you, if you were not important in the great scheme of           life.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Each soul is individual, yet a part of the whole. Each person           must stand straight and tall, unbending, not leaning left or right, conscious           that he or she is important to hold up the tabernacle of life. We have to be           straight, like the columns of the Parthenon, so that the roof of life can be           put on top. If one column is leaning on the other one and another is leaning           another way, the thing is going to topple. We have to stand straight to make           the whole.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Yes, never lose the feeling that you are important in the scheme           of life. You are God's idea. Do you understand that? God's idea. You came out           of God's infinite mind. His essence manifests down here. He/She has a plan in           store. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Sometimes we lose sight of the blueprints of our life. That is           the part a teacher or a guru plays, to once more make clear the path for you to           who you are. That's all a guru can tell you. That's all a teacher can tell you.           You can sit at their feet forever, but all they can do, if they're a good           teacher, is remind you who you are. They can't make you into something else.           You have to make yourself into something else. You have to clear the debris out           of yourself and become once more that which you were at one time, before you           got mucked up with the Earth and its vibrations.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">A young man, trying to clarify the blueprints of his life, asked           me to speak on human and spiritual love. I know that's a vital thing to all of           you, is it not? Because it gets you muddled up, especially when you're           wondering what to do: "Hilda is only talking about God all the time."           Nowhere in the scriptures of the Bible did I ever see Jesus talk about           marriage. He only talked of the Absolute. And I just talk of the Absolute. But           it's a vital thing to you to be able to know what this person asked me —           what is human love and what is spiritual love? Because you get muddled up. You           think, well, you have to be spiritual, so you have to give up all           relationships. Let me speak on it tonight, not only for that one person, but           for many.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">I cannot compartmentalize. There is only one love flowing from           the Source. How we use this essence is the question. Love is a gift from the           heavenly heights, yours to use as you wish. It never diminishes, never fades.           Only man blocks the rays with the clouds of thought he makes. Love within you           is, and it has never faded. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Sometimes you think it has. You go through a hell. Someone           leaves you or hurts you and you feel that love has ceased. Love has not ceased.           You have only made clouds over the rays of light in your heart. To have love           for another human means you must take the good and the bad. If you're going to           love down here — putting your love on another human being, say in marriage           or companionship — you have to make up your mind to take the good and the           bad. You must think outward, and not inward to "I" — "I           want, I like, I desire" — if the love is not to be blocked off as it           flows down from above or, should we say, is released from within.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">To have what humans call spiritual love is to be love. Do you           understand that? </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">To have what humans call spiritual love is to be love, be love           itself, unhindered and unbound by human frailties. The only difference between           human love and spiritual love is that the love down here is hindered by your           frailties that block it. In between, there is a love which fluctuates between           so-called human and spiritual. What is this division, this separation? All love           stems from the one source, God. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Human love is the same as spiritual love. Love stemming from           attachment is like the sun's rays that come through a stained glass window and           become colored by environment. When God's love flows through you and you have           your frailties and you have your angers and your fears and your doubts and all           the things that make you miserable and quarrelsome, it's as if the rays of           God's love are coming down and coming through a stained glass window, and it           comes through the color that you make it. But it still comes through. Because           of human frailties, the purity and clarity of love gets colored by the emotions           of the moment.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">I hope this is potent to you, because it is meant for everybody           — not only the young kids falling in love and out of love, but the people           who are married, people who have had divorces. It's potent to everybody who has           had any relationship in this world, even business office relationships or those           from church or from coming to this meeting. Any relationships.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">The saying, "I've fallen in love, I've fallen in love"           — oh, in every song when you turn on the TV, the radio, you're           "falling in love again" — often means just that, because it is           an attachment which often takes people from the height of their Godhead. It           should not. Rather, a person should say, "I have met someone and I have           risen in love." I've risen in love!</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">The love within never decreases or diminishes. I repeat: the           love within you never decreases or diminishes. Rather, the situation of what           you term human love very often brings out the selfishness, the desires, the           pettiness, the frustrations, and sometimes even the hate, envy, anger and           jealousy. All these are generated from the ego being curbed by another's ego.           Do you understand that one? You have just met somebody, you're with them, your           love is flowing beautifully, and everything is wonderful. It doesn't have to be           a romantic love, it can be any kind of love, but you've met someone that you           love, somebody who's very close to you in spirituality or whatever, and then           all at once they do something — they rub you the wrong way or they rub           your ego, and that love begins to cease to flow so beautifully after a time. Is           it not so? The frailties of man, his ego, get in the way, and you each rub each           other's egos. And after a while, instead of loving, you're quarreling. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Personality clash. Personality clashes come in when you live           closely together or work closely together. Sathya Sai Baba calls this situation           being "sandpapered." He has married people and sometimes he's said it           will sandpaper them off and get the rough spots off them. Well, it will either           make or break them, that's for sure. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Through these rampant emotions, a companionship or marriage           sometimes becomes merely a sex drive for release of the emotions. One partner           uses the other one to release uptightness. That's very clear, isn't it? After a           while the beautiful relationship — we're talking about marriage now, and           companionship — gets into a sex drive rather than the love of           companionship and sharing, because life on Earth here makes you so uptight. One           or the other is using the other one, and then one gets sick of it and says,           "I want out!" </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Where is the love that was there flowing beautifully? The           original love which most humans have felt is lost in the jungle of everyday           living. True or false, kids? Isn't it true? Those of you who have gone through           this and those of you who are beginning to go through this — you don't           have to suffer! You don't have to hang on to the old and make yourself ill! </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">I knew a woman whose sister was murdered, and all she wanted was           to find that murderer. Her whole purpose in life was to retaliate! Her sister           was gone! And what would she end up with? In the end, sickness, ugliness —           it's not worth it. Love is the only answer.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Two meet in altruistic love and the love gets trampled in the           undergrowth of the emotions and tensions of living. Life in the city or           anywhere on Earth is pretty heavy for the emotions. People go to work eight           hours a day and they come home and they're pretty uptight, and that wonderful           love that used to flow doesn't flow any more. It gets trampled in the           undergrowth, the undergrowth of the emotions and tensions of living.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">The original beauty of the love flowing from the heart towards           another was as spiritual as the love of a saint. Do you understand that, kids?           The original love of two people — let's take lovers, shall we, because           we're talking of human love — was as beautiful as any saint's love, in the           beginning. But what was the difference between the saint and the ordinary           person? I'll tell you. The saint had this love for God and a person has this           love for the God in the other person. Because what is it that you love in           another person when you meet them? You love something that's unnameable in           them, don't you, when you first meet someone and you rise in love? But the           saints did not lose their way through the labyrinth of life. They kept their           eyes on the light ahead and did not waver. They did not let disappointment or           anger defeat their marriage or communion with God. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">I'm thinking of Little Flower now, Saint Therese of the Little           Flower. She could have had every bitterness in her heart, like many nuns and           monks and yogis do. They start out with this enjoyment, with a great desire to           love their God and their Jesus. And then what happens? Well, what happened to           Saint Therese. The other nuns used to say, "Since this little one came           here, our place is dirty, the garden is full of weeds." And Saint Teresa           of Avila, as she walked down the corridor, the other nuns would open their           doors and throw holy water on her so the devil wouldn't come out of her onto           them. Do you think those saints couldn't have become as disappointed? Couldn't           they have become just as disappointed in their God, in their convent, in their           religious life as any human in another human? But no. The difference between a           saint and a human — and listen clearly, kids — is that the saints           never allowed the disappointments and the meanness of others who were trying to           make mischief come between them and their lover, God. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">They never allowed those things to come between them and their           lover, Krishna. Look at Mirabai. They tried to poison Mirabai. They tried to do           everything to her, but her love for Krishna flowed on and on and on. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Do you see that that is the only difference between a saint's           and a human's love? They didn't lose faith in their God or faith in their           fellow beings around them. They kept their love flowing. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">If you're going to have love, kids, don't have it human. If           you're going to love another human being, then for God's sake, make it a           saintly love that cannot diminish when the other person changes a little and           you see some human traits. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">I say there is no human love. Human love, when it ceases, is not           human! It's not even love! Only spiritual love exists. Place it where you may           — on another human being and have a companion, a marriage if you wish,           have children if you wish — but don't lose your Godhead in it.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Many a saint has gone through what is called the dark time of           the soul. When despair came upon them in their hearts and they felt they were           lost in the world of darkness, the saints kept their minds on the razor-edged           path which leads to the goal of everlasting love and bliss. You do the same.           You do the same.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Keep your mind on that goal of love. Let nothing cheat you of           your love, kids. No matter what your relationship in this world. No matter what           your life, your business life, your love life. Please don't be cheated of your           Godhead in the midst of the world. Those seeking the world, when they come to           that stage where there are disappointments, where there are despairs, they put           a shield over their hearts and no longer have love flowing through. Their           marriages and companionships and friendships and everything fall apart. They           should not lose their love for their fellow beings. Haven't you all suffered in           the night? I don't think there's one here — maybe a few, I don't know           — who has not suffered through human relationships, suffered in the night,           had sleepless nights, worried about losing someone, even if it be a member of           the family. You can all understand what I am talking about. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">There is no human love. There is only love. There is a seeming           loss of love, but there is never really a loss of love. There is a closing off           of the heart through hardships, but then love comes back again. The heart opens           up again and you see somebody else that you love and then you go through it,           over and over again, until God becomes your lover. That does not mean that you           cannot have relationships in this world, that you cannot marry, that you cannot           have children and have a life and a household, but it means — I beg of you           — to place, like the saints, love into your home. Do not get so dried up           as the years with someone go by that you just hang on and no longer feel love.           Let love ever flow. And if you have to, put your mind on God and bring it down           to the one that you're having a hard time loving. Never lose love in this life.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">What you are really wanting is an object to love, a person to           love. Are you wishing to love them unconditionally or conditionally? "If           you do so-and-so this way and that way, then I shall love you. If you do not,           then I cannot love you." It has to be unconditional. It has to be like the           Ganges that flows from the heights of the Himalayas and never stops. It doesn't           matter whether it goes past ugly ground or beautiful ground, it flows and           flows. And so must your love flow at all times. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Not so easy, you say. No, not so easy. You have to train           yourself to open your heart so it will love. If it were so easy to be           unconditionally loving, then there would be no change when conditions change.           No, most people are looking to receive, and when the other person changes from           a sweet, loving person — a near-saint as you saw it in the beginning when           God sprinkled that gold dust in your eyes, an angel from heaven, as the songs           say, that came to minister to you and to help your life — when they change           into a human being in your eyes, a human with the same frailties as yourself,           you wilt in disappointment. If you had truly loved, it would not change with a           changing of the winds. Your love would flow with understanding of the other's           needs: that they may need love more than you love. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">An angel from heaven come to minister to you particularly —           and they change all at once into a human being with the same frailties you           have, and then you don't like them because they've got your frailties. You see           yourself mirrored there — that's why you don't like them. You wilt in           disappointment, but if you had truly loved, their needs would release in you           compassion — compassion and patience — and that would bring forth the           best in the other. If you really love, the other person will love. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">No, I say, there are not two kinds of love. I say love is from           God and is part of God's essence. Life in its fullest is the art of finding out           how to tap that essence, that love, and keep human traits from hindering the           flow.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">On all planes of existence, love can flow through if you           practice the art of living. On all planes of existence — that means in           human relations such as marriage relations, companionship relations,           mother/father relations, child relations, whatever relationship it is —           love can flow through if you practice the art of living that I teach here.           Practice the presence of God in your life. Nothing, no one, should deprive you           of your Godhead, your birthright. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">That doesn't mean you've got to run from someone that you find           is a little cranky in your house. It means no one is going to deprive you of           your Godhead because you're not going to let them deprive you of it! Do you           understand that one? Don't say, "I've got to get out of this house. I           can't meditate. They're so mean. They're so horrible. I have to get away!"           No, that's not the way. When you have a roommate and you find that they are a           nuisance to you, are you going to stop loving them or will you start helping           them through love to come around? There are too many people running from other           people. Karen told us last week about the time the roof caved in at Sai Baba's.           There was no drinking water and when she finally found water to drink, she got           sick because it hadn't been boiled and had so much bacteria. No, she didn't run           from it. She stayed there and although she had gone there thinking she would           find peace, her love didn't change with the changing of the winds.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Remember, you are a prince, you are a princess. Sai Baba tells           the story of a prince who had a dream. He went to sleep and he dreamed that he           was a beggar, that he was in rags crying for some food, holding out his begging           bowl, and nobody would give anything to him. People were kicking him. He           yelled, "Help, help, help!" He woke up and found he was in a palace           and he was a prince. And so with us. You've forgotten that you are a prince, a           princess, and that your Father is a King. Children of the Supreme King, you           have a right to your royal inheritance, and your royal inheritance is love. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">You have a right to love, but this love depends on no one. This           love depends on no one. It must flow unhindered through you, filling the Earth           around you with peace and light and harmony and bliss. Wherever you walk there           should be a light around you. That is your right, that is your inheritance           — to be a radio station. What do you think I went overseas for, to Greece           and to Egypt? Why did I go to Jordan and the West Bank? What did I go to Israel           for? To Jerusalem? I went to walk on those lands to try in my own tiny little           way to put a little peace there that we would see the Egyptians and the           Israelis come together. I saw them hug the other night on the TV, and my heart           was filled with joy, but I could hear in the ethers, as they were hugging, that           this was only the beginning, because there were going to be a lot of people           putting monkey wrenches into this peace thing. I could hear the letter S for           Syria, and L for Lebanon. So we have to go on working on that. That's why I           went and that's what I want you to do — walk the streets in love. Don't be           worried about the noise of the town, the sirens going by. Walk in love and fill           the world with a little love. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Be lighthouses in this world. That's a great thing to do on this           dark planet. You have come to Earth for that. You came through a womb for that.           You stayed nine months in the darkness of a womb so you could come to Earth to           fill the Earth with light and love. For this you took birth, you took a form. I           care not which path you choose upon the Earth — marriage, companionship,           motherhood, fatherhood, whether you be an artist or a teacher, whether you're           in the business world, a healer or a householder — all make up the           symphony of life. I only care that you do not lose your inheritance by acting           in lower ways. There is no lower way or upper way unless you make it so.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Do you understand this, my beloveds? Does this clarify anything           for you? I hope so. I thank the person who asked me to speak on this.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Don't let anything of hate or lust or greed eat out your heart           and cut off love from flowing. Why live in the dregs of life when immortality           is at hand for you? Don't let the thief of your emotions steal your           inheritance. Do you all know what that means? Don't let the thief of your           emotions steal your inheritance, because if you`re having anger you can't have           love flowing through, which is your inheritance. You can't have peace flowing           through if you're having jealousy and envy, if you're having fear and doubts.           You can't have it all. You can't have God and Mammon, too. You can't straddle           the path, kids. You can't have one foot over here and one foot over there, one           on Mammon and one on God. It doesn't work that way. You've got to walk on that           razor-edged path, one foot after the other. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">You become attached to a person in love, and they seemingly           change and start showing their human colors. People call it their true colors.           Well, I don't think it's their true colors. I think if they showed their true           colors, they would be pink and blue and white, the colors of the soul's truth! </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">They show their human colors and you feel cheated, don't you?           How many have gone through that, feeling cheated? Sure, I'll bet every hand           could go up. You feel cheated because you had seen something in this person or           this experience, in this way of life or whatever you were choosing, and you           thought you had gotten the perfect being by your side or the perfect —           what should I say — teacher? guru? ashram? And then that person or place           was taken from you. How was it taken from you? Because it wasn't up to your           expectations, what you believed it to be was stolen from you. Do you understand           that? It was stolen from you because you thought it was going to be something           else, and now you feel cheated in life. A person who made you feel secure was           taken from you, because they changed.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Does it mean something to you for me to talk about this tonight?           It's right down to the nitty-gritty, isn't it? It applies to everybody. You           think Hilda sits up there in those silk gowns as if she's on a throne.           "Maybe she wants too much of us. Maybe she's demanding too much. Maybe she           wants me to be a yogi or a yogini and go sit on the Ganges or in a cave. Maybe           I'd better not go any more." No! I say wherever you be is your cave!           Wherever you are, whether it be the subway or even in Italy when they're           pinching your behind. Sure, my female students got pinched over there, right in           the airport! So I pinched little Shanti, age 13, and said, "I wouldn't           want you to go out of Italy not being pinched, kid." </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">If you go into a human relationship, then, like the saints,           pledge your love for life. I didn't say pledge your relationship, did I? No,           because you might grow out of the relationship. You understand that? You might           grow out of the relationship in time. But I said pledge your love for life.           That's a different thing. I think nearly everybody has grown out of some           relationship. Your old friends sometimes don't like you any more. They think           you're nutty, crazy, loony, wacko, and you don't like to be around them any           more. No, you're interested in different things, you've grown up a little bit,           and the little baby rattles no longer interest you. You understand the things           I'm talking about here, so therefore you've grown out of those other things.           But I say, even if you've grown out of that, don't grow out of love for that           person or that experience that sent you onward, upward.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Like a saint, pledge your love for life. Even if your ways part,           keep the love flowering. You do not have to love the wrongs, the limitations of           a person or a situation, but do not let those things steal your heart's love           and close it down. Is that clear to everybody? Take this to heart tonight           because it will take you up the path a long way if you understand this and put           one of these things into action.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Love all, for some teach you what not to do, and that's for           sure, and some what to do, and that's for sure. All are our teachers. If you           have a wife who's nagging you, then let her be your teacher. Touch her lotus           feet and say, "I bow to thee. Thou has taught me to keep my mouth           shut!" Everyone we meet or come close to in our walk through life is an           opportunity to hold our tongues, control our emotions, and let us experience           being at peace in the midst of chaos. "Wow! Peace in the midst of chaos?           Oh, Hilda's asking too much now! I thought she'd bring us up into peace and it           would last a week and we'd be all right."</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">You've got to have peace in the midst of chaos. You've got to           find your own peace. Saint Therese said, "It is easy to love someone who           loves you, but it is divine to love those who are difficult to love." So           when you find your beloved is off-key, should you be off-key too, or is not           that the time to love, to prove your love? That is when they need it, is it           not? When a person is cranky, mean, hopeless, angry, is that not the time to           send your love to them? Or is that your time to come down to their level and           get hopeless, angry, despairing, with them? And that's what you do, because           your aura gets colored by them. I'm going to teach you later tonight how to           clear your aura a bit. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Think. Is receiving love the greatest feeling, or loving? Which           is the greatest for you? Think now. Come on. Which is the greatest? Loving, of           course, and I'll tell you why, shall I? The love you feel is within, sparked           off by kindness outside. Do you understand? The love that you thought came from           another person was never outside. It was in you. It was sparked off by           someone's kindness and the twinkle in their eye and their sweetness —           patting your head or something — and you said, "Wow!" and love           flowed out. It came from you, not from them. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Long ago there was a person I knew. He and his wife were very           kind to me. He was a great fan of mine when I was still very young. One day I           thought I could feel this person pouring love to me, and I was so grateful! Oh,           I thought, this person is so kind to me, filling me with this divine love of           the Masters. I went along the street and I passed a car and there he was, sound           asleep in it, snoring. He wasn't pouring it out at all. It was coming from me,           do you understand? It was I who was loving, nobody else. The love you feel from           another only kindles your love which flows outward through you, and you feel           it. You are the enjoyer of your own feelings. Got that? You are the enjoyer of           your own feelings. But what do you say? You need an object to start it going?           What shall I tell you? </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">I was thinking of a saint the other day, and as I said this           saint's name, oh, I was filled with ecstasy! Bliss divine! Every part of me,           from my toes to my head, was billowing with pink love. And I thought,           "Hey, I'm going to try the wall," and I said, "I love you,           wall." Oh! I was in ecstasy! I was billowing with pink love. And then I           thought, "Hey, I love you, floor!" Wow, it was marvelous. And then I           looked at that rotten dog that drags dirt all over the house and I said,           "I love you, dog!" And Wooo! I found the love was me all the time! Do           you understand? I can look on anything, an insect, a cockroach — and say,           "I love you, cockroach," and oh, it just kindles the glory and fills           me with ecstasy divine.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">And that's the way it is, kids. That's the way it is. Open up           the floodgates of your heart and let the light of God's love flow through it!           Do it now! Do it now! Don't just go away and say "I'll try that next week           — when I get through hating that one person who let me down. Maybe next           year I can get over that one. But I sure hate that husband who took all my           money and my house and my this and my that, and that wife who walked out on me,           and that lover, he just ripped me off. Oh God, I won't love this week. I want           to hang on to that one." Open up the floodgates of your heart now and let           the light of God's love flow through it. This is the answer to Earth life.           Without love on this dark planet, there is only despair. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Love all and let love flow. Get a sense of humor about life down           here. If you don't, kids, you're lost before you start. You've got to have a           sense of humor down here. It's so stupid down here. Did you ever look around at           the stupidity of it? First we go and maim a lot of people and then we quickly           send some people over with red crosses on them to fix them up fast and then we           get doctors to sew them up again. Then we go and shoot them down again. This is           the nuttiest Earth you've ever heard of. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">So, then, why did we come here? Well, so we could love           unconditionally in the midst of this crazy rot. Get a sense of humor about life           down here. Go through life with a chuckle in your heart. Life here is fleeting           at the most — a flick of God's eyelash. Blink! A whole lifetime is not a           split second in eternity, but each moment builds up into a life. Each moment           that's flicking away — tick, tick, tick, tick — is building your           lifetime. When are you going to start living and loving? Oh, are you going to           live next life? "Well, let me see, I'll work hard now and then tomorrow           I'm going to go to Europe, I'm going to do that thing and that thing. I'm going           to start living tomorrow. I'm going to start loving tomorrow." Tomorrow           never comes. When you get to the end of your destiny here, are you going to           leave Earth still wanting and waiting to live? I see people spending their           whole lifetime waiting. All they do is work to make money, work to get a           position, work to get some degrees after their name, and they never live. Will           you start living this night? Start living this night. Not living it up, you           know, but living, loving. Start loving tonight. Don't wait to live and love. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Are you still thinking to do something sometime? That's a goody,           isn't it? Whenever I would dance, people would come backstage. Sometimes they           would be old and they would say, "I always wanted to dance, but my parents           wouldn't let me." No matter what age they were, I would say, "Why           don't you start now?" I said it to a ninety-year-old and she took me at my           word and joined my class. Why not? Instead of thinking that someday you'll find           someone to love and then getting disappointed and moving on, in the name of God           who created you, live now and love now. Take the bad and take the good, kids.           Take the bad with the good and laugh at it. Take the joys and the sorrows, but           live here now while still in your body. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">You know, you're not going to get away from the bad and the           good, because they're here on Earth. As Baba says, "When great good comes,           great bad comes to bang against it" — the negative and the positive           banging against each other. You have a lot of love, and somebody is going to           come and knock you around. So what do you care, kids? I don't. I've had people           glorify me and I've had people you-know-what. So what? Let "So what?"           be your mantra this week. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Be free in the midst of chaos. Free your mind from bondage           — the mind is where the bondage is. Life's hard, you say? So what? Life's           good, you say? So what? Praise and blame, all the same. Good and bad, the           pendulum of life. Can't you see it? It swings over to one side — good. You           can be sure that pendulum is going to swing to the other side — bad, and           back — good. You've got to get above it all. Climb off the pendulum, get           up where it no longer swings, and be the manipulator of life! You hold the           pendulum the way you want. Climb up above it, don't go back and forth any more,           and, above all, laugh at life. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Laugh loudly at yourself. And when you get sad and self pity           weighs you down, say inside, "Is itsy-bitsy me sorry for myself?" And           laugh! "Is itsy-bitsy me sorry for myself?" Stop bitching! You only           make life worse! Stop scratching your itch caused by being allergic to life.           Bitching and scratching do no good. Laugh and love and be free — then life           will be yours to command. You will then have earned your diploma of life and           have earned the letters after your mortal name. You'll have a Master's degree,           G.O.D.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">The lesson for this week is love in the midst of Earth life.           Love unconditionally. If you can't love, laugh. But don't laugh out loud,           because if you do, you're going to have somebody socking you! Laugh, chuckle           inside. I've got a chuckle deep inside me. No matter what happens, I've got a           chuckle.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Thank you, kids. Thank you for the love. Thank you for the           vibration. Thank you for the unity this night. Thank you for the peace I feel           here. Thank you for the oneness. Thank you for being you and for coming here. I           love you very dearly, kids, especially this night. I don't know why. I guess           because love was the theme this night.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Try to live in peace in the midst of chaos because there will           always be some chaos trying to take your peace away upon this Earth. There's           always darkness that will try to snuff out the light. But make a determination           in your soul that you won't let it happen this week. It will try to.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">I promised you I would try to show you how to clear your aura a           little bit. By clearing the aura I don't mean just clearing the aura, but also           getting rid of the darkness from around you. Sometimes I will be filled with           this light and somebody calls on the phone. They tell me about their sickness           and it comes over the phone. If anybody is watching, they will see dark spots           come around the edge of my aura. So what I do is just breathe in and I breathe           out, push it out.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">I'll show you one way of doing it with your imagination now.           Close your eyes. Think of your aura as very big. Just for tonight, let's think           of it being about four feet out all around. And think of a dark color, like a           dark red, on the outside of it now. Red is not a bad color, but it is a heavier           color. Build a curtain of red around your aura. Hold it in your mind for a           moment. Now, with your mind, put a light within your aura and hold this light           within your mind so it pushes upward, all around you. Let this light start to           fill your aura and see the red disperse into whiteness in your imagination. You           can take a big deep breath in. Now breathe out, and as you breathe out, you'll           fill your whole aura, and it disperses that color. Then breathe in again and           breathe out again and fill your aura until that red becomes absolutely clear           white. Every bit of it. In this way, you can push off any heavy thoughts when           they come upon you during the day.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Breathe in again, and breathe out. See all that dispersing. Now,           do not go out. By this I mean you sit within yourself. Always sit within           yourself and work from your own center. Do not go out psychically. I don't           teach the psychic. Do not flow out, but sit within and let the power flow from           within out. Is that clear? That has to be absolutely clear. Don't be going out.           Pull into your solar plexus, a little below your heart, your solar center, just           under your rib cage. Pull in now.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Now put a blue, a deep beautiful blue light, around you. You can           do this mentally — it's a mental exercise I'm teaching tonight. Feel that           you've got this blue around you, a protective blue. Breathe in, disperse it,           and turn it into white. Come on, do it. Play this game. Come on. It's a good           game. It makes life a little fun. Breathe in. Stay in your center. Center           yourself. Now breathe a big deep breath outward and as you do, pour the white           light and let it disperse the blue. See the blue breaking up like clouds until           you have only white light again.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Now do the same with gold. Start with yellow. Place a yellow           light around you and this time breathe in and push gold out with your breath           and turn that yellow into a brilliant gold. Feel that wonderful gold, almost           like a candlelight, as Sai Baba calls it. Now breathe that light into your           forehead. A candle flame — let it fill your head. Use your imagination.           Now let it flow down through your shoulders into your heart center. That means           your fourth chakra in the middle of your chest, not your physical heart. And           now let it flow right down your legs, this golden substance, down your left           arm, down your right arm. Now you're filled with it and it's beginning to shine           out from you like a sun ray. Come on. Use your imagination.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">And as far as you think to the left, rays of golden light are           shining from you. Follow it into infinity. As far as you can think to the right           of you into infinity is this golden substance of light. And as far back as you           can think this light is shining from you. You're like a great sun or a Buddha           sitting here with the rays of light shining in back of you. And let the light           shine as far in front of you as you can think — but don't go out! Sit           within yourself like Masters, and think out and see the light pouring outward           as far above you as you think. And now down below. Feel you're sitting in the           middle of the universe and the whole universe is one glow of light, like a           sunrise, filling the whole panorama with gold. Sit within yourself.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Now come to your heart center. Breathe in a deep breath and           breathe out love to the world. Breathe in once more, a deep breath, breathe           out, and feel that you are sending love to the world. Let a peace come over           you. There is a peace coming now. Take this peace that's coming in the room           now. Sit quietly. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">If your emotions are getting a little upset, sit quietly and say           you demand to know this peace. Pull yourself into God consciousness this           moment, free from all the worldly feelings of pettiness and worldliness. Pull           into a state that you think God might dwell in this moment. Take an interest,           come on. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Think this moment what you're going to give up this week of your           little self to take one step upward on the path of life. Some little thing           you're going to give up. It doesn't mean a material thing. It might mean your           tongue, talking back, a curtness. It might mean pettiness, jealousy. It might           mean any dislike. Give me a gift this night! Give me a gift. Give me a gift           this night of something that you'll give up. Somebody has given me apples here           and some tomatoes. I want you to put on this table the gift you give me, or put           it on the altar over there with the flowers. There are three candles. Place it           in one of those candles. Give me a gift this night of something you don't want           — a white elephant in your life and consciousness. All right. Give it           away. Gift-wrap it. Make a heart on it that says, "Love to Hilda."           Tie it with a big bow and put it up here, and don't take it back this week.           Don't take it back, this week or ever. If you decide to take it back say,           "No, I gave that away. I cannot take it back. I gave it to God that           night" — for I've placed it in His hands. I keep no gifts. </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Let's go into a little more peace now, a little more quietness,           a little more stillness. Let love flow this night. I'm going to sing a chant of           love, an Aum of love. Let the love flow down from far above. Open your hearts           like a chalice and let it flow in. Let peace fill your nerves, fill your mind,           fill your flesh, fill every cell. Let the heavenly lands above flow down their           gifts to you this night. Let peace reign in your heart. Know and take your           inheritance. Don't be too great, too old, too young, too intellectual. Be like           a child.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Peace on Earth and goodwill.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Peace on Earth and goodwill.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Peace.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Let this peace caress you. Let the light that's shining from           above meet your light and the two meet within your heart. Push forth the light           upon your path this night. Ah, beloved ones of light, fill your hearts with           love. Radiance is a light shining upon you this night. A glow from the heavens           fills your space. Heaven and Earth have met in love, and in love you will know           God's face. Peace is its name. Glory is its fame. Shambala. Shalom.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Let this peace that you feel this moment go forth to Egypt. Let           politics cease and brotherhood begin this night. Let your love go forth to           Israel, who has suffered long, that good may come, politics cease, and           brotherhood begin. Let the lights of your hearts go forth this night to all the           Arab countries, to Syria, to Lebanon, to Jordan. Oh, I plead with all the           heavenly powers to bring peace upon this Earth. Let Chief Joseph on this night           win, that we may say, as he said, "Let us war no more forever."</span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;"> </span></p>
<p><span style="font-size: small;">Let your love go forth, Children of Light, this night.</span></p>
<p><span style="font-family: Times New Roman;"> </span></p></div>
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  <a href="/blog/blog/5983813/quitting">Quitting</a>&nbsp;
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  <div class="message"><p>"Employ the power of positive quitting. Most of us view quitting as something negative, but it’s not. ‘Winners never quit,’ we’re told, when, in reality, winners quit all the time: choosing to stop doing things that aren’t creating the results they desire. When you quit all the things that aren’t working for you, when you quit tolerating all the negative things that hold you back, you’ll create a positive ‘charge’ in your life as well as create the space in your life for more positive experiences."</p>
<div id="ygrp-text">-- Jim Allen</div></div>
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